Archive for the Humor Category

Just Another Hollywood Himbo

Posted in Humor, Pop Culture with tags , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2013 by Marie Bargas

When one of my best girlfriends returned from out of state last week she was seriously on the rebound from an ex-model who broke her heart into a thousand little pieces.  Poor thing. On the upside this gorgeous California blonde is a promising actress with a knock-out figure who is never short of male attention. When we went out to dinner last week she was excited to introduce me to her new male “assistant” and anxious to see if I agreed that he was “cute as a button.”  I guess I would have thought he was cute, if he hadn’t smelled like he had crawled out of a beer barrel. This 21 year old kid professed to be a “scientist” without a college degree, but believe me he was no Albert Einstein. And he wasn’t even THAT cute. His eyes were too far apart and the suit he was so proud of looked like it originated at Mervyn’s before he picked it up at the local thrift shop.  All I could do was remind myself that she had just had a break-up and in a few days she would come back to herself and realize that this kid may have been a fun accessory in the short term, but a glaring liability in the long term. I found out later that he attended a red carpet even with her and was falling down drunk. Yikes!

I have to admit that the one thing that really turned me off was that he openly refused to pay for anything at dinner. The silly boy made the announcement abruptly in front of a dinner party that included a reputable TV producer, two working actresses and Moi… the Hollywood Witch. I guess he thought that we would cover his bill because he was “special.” Needless to say, he failed Charm 101, but not before we caught him rifling through her purse to pay for another drink that he ordered after the bill was closed. That incident prompted me to text her to cancel her credit cards immediately and dump him because he was obviously a HIMBO. But, she didn’t know what that meant, so I have decided to clarify that term today, even though she fired the little Himbo yesterday and never looked back.

Him + Bimbo = Himbo

from Zimbio.com

KATO KAELIN

Get it?  Back in the day I suppose that a typical gigolo could be defined as a “Himbo,” but after the O.J. Simpson trial one man has come to embody the stereotype so completely that it has been had to knock him off the Himbo throne.  According to Wikipedia Brian Jerard “Kato” Kaelin (born March 9, 1959)[2] is an American radio and television personality who gained fame as a witness during the 1994–95 murder trial of O. J. Simpson. Brian Jerard “Kato” Kaelin (born March 9, 1959)[2] is an American radio and television personality who gained fame as a witness during the 1994–95 murder trial of O. J. Simpson.”

Don’t Hex and Drive

Posted in Humor, Pagan, Pop Culture, Witchy Style with tags , , on April 30, 2013 by Marie Bargas

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The Goddess Told Me to Put Garlic in My Vajayjay

Posted in Folk Medicine, Holistic Healing, How to, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2013 by Marie Bargas

After a week of suffering through one of the most debilitating cold/flu nightmares I’ve ever had in my life I was not surprised to feel a familiar itch in my nether regions.  For the past 3 days I’ve been taking a powerful antibiotic. Right about the time that my throat ceased to hurt, that familiar itch was a signal that the antibiotic had done it’s work all too well.

I’m spoiled. In the past I’ve had the luxury of having a health insurance carrier that paid for EVERYTHING.  All I had to do in the old days was call my doctor and tell her that I had a yeast infection and she’d call in a prescription because she was the same doctor who prescribed the antibiotic that caused it in the first place.  Sometimes she’d just give me a prescription for the yeast medication along with the antibiotic to save me the trouble of calling her twice. Today, I am self-employed. And, although I enjoy being my own boss, setting my own hours and taking naps with my pups in the afternoon;  I sure do miss having complete coverage.

Primer

Primer (Photo credit: The Makeup FLoozy)

Yesterday, I was feeling well enough to write… a little… but not well enough to make it to the drugstore.  I knew what that itch meant though. But, rather than force myself out of the house I opted to stay in my pink flannel polka dot pajamas and have a nap. Why?  In the worst case scenario I can always rely the Goddess to send me a solution in a dream. I had a deep, but troubled sleep until the Goddess tickled my memories and I recalled that garlic has been touted far and wide as a natural remedy for yeast.

An Ikea garlic press, with pressed garlic.

An Ikea garlic press, with pressed garlic. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I woke up I started researching the cure immediately and discovered that the prescribed remedy required me to insert a peeled and scored fresh glove of garlic in my vajayjay overnight at the first sign of an infection. Honestly, I’ve put much stranger things in my vajayjay before including the celebrated Jack Rabbit Vibrator. 07139322.interactive.a

And even though I was never  put off by the Jack Rabbit’s spinning beads,  gyrating shaft, or vibrating clit bunny, yesterday morning I just felt weak and vulnerable. I’m embarrassed to admit that I actually felt squeamish about inserting a potent, pungent clove of garlic in to my vajayjay.

After a few more hours the itching got worse so I decided to “woman up” and try inserting the garlic clove.  I peeled it and scored it as instructed and inserted it just like I would a tampon.  I put a panty shield in my panty and lay down to read a book.  I didn’t hurt at all. In fact I could barely feel that it was there.  In about an hour I tasted a garlic in my mouth and was satisfied that the garlic was circulating through my blood stream. I was thrilled. It was working. And then I coughed.  The garlic clove traveled through my vajayjay faster than a speeding bullet and made a enough of a “thwack” sound when it hit my panty shield to scare my Maltese, Muppet who was dozing next to me.

Undaunted, I returned to the internet and found that some women sewed a thread through the garlic clove before inserting it into the vajayjay so they could easily retrieve it. That made a lot of sense to me. The first try I hadn’t inserted it as far as it could go because frankly I was afraid that I’d never get it out.  So, I found my sewing kit, threaded a needle and went to the kitchen to prepare another clove of garlic. While I was in the kitchen sewing my garlic, my fiance Paul came home and asked me what I was doing. When I told him I was making a “garlic tampon” his eyes glazed over.

In a few short moments we were en route to the drugstore. He bought me my medication, a book and a take-out dinner.  And, he apologized profusely for avoiding me because he was afraid of catching, my flu which made cry because I’d been feeling so abandoned.  Which leads me to the moral of my story – When the Goddess tells you to do something, no matter how strange it may seem… just do it!